. . . don't say nothin' at all."
I decided to live by Thumper’s advice these last several
weeks. Well, not around my family, unfortunately for them, but at least on
social media. I wanted to spare you all from my impression of Sadness from the
movie Inside Out, although I must say I have that character down pretty well! I
decided that Savannah has been Joy, and I have been Sadness, and the poor thing
has been stuck taking care of me for the last month. (If you haven’t seen
Inside Out, you won’t get this at all. If you have, you’re feeling pretty sorry
for Savannah right now.)
Yep, it’s been a tough month. Since I haven’t written in a
while, I really wanted to have a light-hearted, uplifting, “God really showed
me some neat stuff” sort of post. Instead, I think I’m just going to tell the pitiful
truth.
I’m not sure I’ve ever felt so down in my life. The stress really peaked the last few weeks. If you are someone who wants to think I’m
strong, you’re not going to want to read this. If you want to feel better about
yourself, this is going to be your favorite blog post from me.
I have felt lousy physically, and I have struggled with an
ongoing case of Optirectalitis (see earlier post for definition). I cannot
think of a time where I have cried more tears of hopelessness than this past
month.
Complaints of all that's going on:
- knowing we are forcing the kids to start over at a new school (yet again) with them having no friends there and potentially losing some of the credit for the work they did in SC
- knowing I have to find new doctors right away
- thinking about Atlanta traffic and how my daughter is going to be driving in it soon and will have to start all over with her driving requirements
- not winning on the final house selection (we ended up with the boys’ favorite, which I was more unhappy with than I expected . . . see earlier post)
- having to be out of our SC house by 7/31 while I was still in the hospital
- stressing about the details and logistics of closings
- worrying about transporting pets
- fearing that I’m not really healing completely
- getting the kids registered for school (which involved doctor appointments in GA, shopping, lots of communication with school counselors)
- knowing we are going to be living out of boxes for months
- etc. . .
- and just feeling useless . . . like I’m just here to be served and can’t contribute to anyone or anything . . . feeling like a patient -- nothing more -- just a patient -- who burdens others and can’t take care of herself
. . . is what I would have written about.
I pouted, cried, whined, and complained my way through many
of my days. Savannah was always there to listen to and encourage me. I dumped
way more of my self-pitying thoughts on her than a teenager should have to
endure from her mom. I’m so thankful God gifted her with such compassion and
maturity to deal with my emotions, as Eric was working in Atlanta most of the
time and wasn’t there to help her handle me most days.
I don’t say those things to bring you down or make you feel sorry for me. I only write
about it now so you can know the dark pit I have been in and what my poor
family has had to deal with. I’ve had some of those feelings throughout, but
this past month, they stuck around and I wallowed in them. So, no . . . I wasn’t
going to say something nice. It was best for me to say nothin’ at all.
However, I am thankfully coming out of my funk, and I can
look back and see something nice to say . . . (and something that makes me
laugh, although I shouldn’t).
God has answered so many prayers! First, the logistics
worked out for everything! The appraisal came through fine for our SC house,
and we closed without a hitch. Everything went smoothly for our close in
Atlanta, and we are now in our house. Our movers were great and efficient. My
lab numbers were good, and my doctor got me out of the hospital the morning of
the 31st, so my sis-in-law was able to take Savannah and me to
Atlanta at a reasonable time that day. Friends came over and cleaned our house
and stocked it with food before I arrived. My brother and Austin made it safely
to the house with the animals. (This is the part that I shouldn’t laugh at, but
I do, because I wasn’t in the car. One of the cats pooped in the crate almost
right away, so they had to ride with the windows down the whole way to Atlanta.
Hey, at least the wind noise helped drown out the cats’ constant wailing for
four hours! :-))
And this is just a sampling of the answered prayers we've experienced!
Oh, yeah, and my chemo treatments are officially over! That’s
pretty exciting, when I stop to think about it. Of course, as I return to my
Sadness character, I tend to be afraid that the cancer is not all gone. The
doctor said we wouldn’t be able to use a word like “cure” for a couple of
years. And we’re really not even ready to go there, because I haven’t had a PET
scan to see if the cancer is gone from my spleen. So, I’m reservedly excited. I
know many have prayed, and I believe God is healing me, but I also know He
doesn’t guarantee that I will be physically healed. I hope that is His plan,
but I am trying to rest in whatever each day brings.
For now, I am feeling
stronger almost every day. I don’t know how to describe it other than to tell
you that I’m starting to feel like a real live person again, not just a
patient, not just a body trudging through quicksand, but a real person. I’m
weak and have to pace myself, but it’s like a huge cloud has been lifted.
And as I resurface into the land of the living, I’ve
realized I still have something nice to say!
I have had so many people who have
bombarded me with love through service, that when I am not being Sadness, I
realize it's an amazing gift. Today, I am thankful, and I am hopeful, and God is good,
and my friends and family are patient and loving and kind. All of this, in the
midst of my self-pity is a gift I don’t deserve. That is something awfully
nice!
“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from
the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.”
(James 1:17).
No comments:
Post a Comment